January 27, 2009

And Now For Something Completely Different.....Bin Laden to Rely on Inept Geese

A new video message from al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden says the terrorist group is desperately low on resources and has begun looking into alternative means of terror.
“The great Satan has crippled our terrorist infrastructure,” says Bin Laden according to Endive translators, “We’re short on weapons and manpower, and therefore we have turned to the only remaining terrorists who are true to our cause – inept geese.”
Bin Laden expressed disappointment in the performance of his “Inept Geese Cell.”
“Needless to say, Allah, Mohammed, and I are all plenty annoyed,” said Bin Laden, “These geese were so inept, they managed to crash an entire airplane without actually killing anybody. Not only that, but the pilot, crew, passengers and first responders are all being hailed as heroes… and they’re getting book and movie deals. I don’t think I could be any more pissed off right now. It’s safe to say that these particular inept geese who sacrificed themselves to destroy the great Satan will not be receiving their seventy virgins. They’re getting the Koran’s consolation prize for inept suicide attacks – seventy salad shooters and an endless supply of cabbage and leeks.”
The inept geese were quick to claim responsibility on the attack on US flight 1549 and defend themselves against Bin Laden’s accusations. The tape released from the inept goose cave was too difficult to translate, but the rhetoric was strong.
“Al-Allah A-hacchhhma HONK,” said head inept goose, Ameen al-Quawacky, “Ach, ahakma, America, thbbbpt, HONK. Alililililili HONK.”
Unimpressed, Bin Laden continued to lay criticism upon his team of inept terrorist waterfowl.
“How pathetic is it when you carry out a suicide attack and the plane can’t even hit a boat in the Hudson freaking river?” Bin Laden shouted while gesturing strongly, “I also heard that the people awaiting their connector flights in Charlotte were quickly rerouted to other planes and didn’t even have to spend an extra hour in the airport. Is it to much to ask just to get a terrorist to inconvenience the great Satan?!”
To make matters worse for Bin Laden, a U.S. Air spokesman said U.S. Air was pleased with the performance of the U.S. Air Airbus – every piece of safety equipment functioned properly and they were planning on replacing the plane soon, anyway.
The incident has terrorists around the world frustrated at how difficult it is to carry out acts of terror in the United States since President Bush began his war on terror after 9/11.
“It’s a really hard time to be a terrorist,” said a black-hooded man who only identified himself as ‘Abdul,’ “I can’t even get into an airport with a tube of toothpaste. How the hell am I supposed to sneak in with a bomb? My family is starving because I can’t do my job anymore. Last week, I got singled out for extra screening – I was just trying to fly to Newark to get a freakin’ falafel. Do you think I’m really going to blow up the plane that is delivering me to a falafel stand? I’ll take a falafel over seventy virgins any day of the week, thank you very much. Allah Akbar!”
President Bush was pleased to see success in his war on terror as his days in the White House came to a close.
“Osama Bin Laden, sure, I didn’t manage to kill you during my Presidency,” said President Bush, “But I think it’s safe to say that you have been pretty thoroughly neutered. Your ‘Axis of Evil Geese’ was no match for my butt-kicking pilot. In closing, IN YOUR FACE!! HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES?!”
The President also pointed out that once he’s left the White House, nobody will be paying attention to what he does. He suggested that Bin Laden might want to grow some eyes in the back of his head and look up the meaning of the words “Texas Necktie.”

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